Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
You Might Also Like
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
This is so me 😂😂
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.