Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
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Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.