Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
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I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Stonehinge
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.