[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
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The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her