Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
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Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Knock Knock
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp