found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
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*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”