If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
You Might Also Like
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup