Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
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🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?