I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
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Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
*weighs self after shaving
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
technically true but not a great slogan
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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4.
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10. He is a cat.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name