every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
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Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
me as a parent
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.