Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
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secret recipe
Phones down.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…