The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
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Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
never deleting this app.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold