Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
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DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.