Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
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I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
accurate
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
oppen heimer style lol
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!