COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
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My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes