* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
You Might Also Like
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
haha same
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?