When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
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I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
We’ve come full circle
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*