GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
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Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol