Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
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Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Help Wanted
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.