Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
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I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”