“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
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My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Sounds like a bargain
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more