I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
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The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Please do it!
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy