Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
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Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.