You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
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I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
No chill.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you