As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
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My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.