LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
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[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.