me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
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Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
me hitting on a model
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned