[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
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Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”