“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
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Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
My sex drive has a dui
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Merry Christmas
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?