dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
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me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.