“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
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Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.