A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
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Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted