N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
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Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
sleeping beauty
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.