[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
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911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
@ candidates for local office
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking