Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
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I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.