I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
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When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.