People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
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“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
You got this…
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
How to properly lift a body