Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
You Might Also Like
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room