Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
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They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
My therapist after every session
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney