My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
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You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Breaking news:
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….