Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
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living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Never go to sleep after making me angry
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.