From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
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Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
wtf is a larm clock?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I love twitter
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake