Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
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It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.