7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
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The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void