Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
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Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
When you “pspspsp” too hard
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
#Caturday
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”