My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
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All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
mmm onion ringos
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary