Danger is very dangerous
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Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!