ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
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“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman