“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
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Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!