Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
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[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train